How Often Should I Have Sex?


Sex. It's one of life's greatest joys and most intimate acts between partners. But how often is too often or not enough when it comes to getting busy in the bedroom? Finding your optimal sexual frequency is an important component of any romantic relationship. This comprehensive guide will walk you through the key factors to consider when evaluating what's right for you.

How Often Should I Have Sex?

What's Considered Average for Sexual Frequency?

Sex therapists and researchers have conducted numerous studies to understand sexual trends across demographics. The average American adult has sex around once a week or 52 times per year. However, every couple's magic number varies drastically based on age, health, libido levels, stress, and relationship satisfaction. Don't get hung up on comparing yourself to averages. Focus instead on finding the optimal rate that leaves you and your partner feeling satisfied and connected.

Key Factors That Influence Ideal Sexual Frequency

Many variables impact how often you should have sex. What's healthy for one couple may be too infrequent or stressful for another pairing.


As we age, our sex drives and sexual functioning evolve. In our teens and 20s, surging hormone levels often fuel high libidos. Frequency usually declines slightly for adults in their 30s and 40s due to increased responsibilities and stressors. Once women reach menopause and men experience decreasing testosterone, sexual desire may decrease without sufficient foreplay and lubrication. However, studies show many seniors maintain active enjoyment of intimacy.

Physical Health

Chronic health conditions like cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, and obesity can interfere with sexual response and appetite. Certain medications also dampen arousal and sexual performance. Open communication with your doctor can help navigate changes in desire. Don't forget mental health as well. Depression, stress, and anxiety commonly suppress libido.

Relationship Status

The thrill of a new relationship often goes hand-in-hand with passion in the sheets. Long-term partners may notice peaks and valleys in sexual frequency over the years. Marriage, kids, work pressures, and communication issues can all impact intimate connections. However, deep love and friendship build sensual foundations. Talk to your partner if you notice major changes.

Libido Levels

Every individual has a unique sexual temperament and appetites that fluctuate over time. Some people crave physical intimacy multiple times a day. Others are content with monthly sex. Mismatched sex drives in relationships take compromise. Don't pressure yourself to match your partner's pace if it doesn't feel right physically and emotionally.

Stress and Energy

High cortisol and adrenaline levels from stressful jobs, family demands, financial struggles, illnesses, and life changes often sap energy and enthusiasm for sex. Make sleep and self-care priorities to nurture your mind and body. Set the scene for relaxation and pleasure with your partner through date nights, massages, cuddling, and baths.

Childcare Responsibilities

It's no secret that infants, toddlers, and kids often make spontaneous sex difficult. Exhaustion, touched out feelings, privacy concerns, and shifting priorities for parenthood modify couples' intimate activities. Be patient and get creative with quickies, daytime delights, and sneaking in sessions when kids nap or stay with grandparents. The key is making physical intimacy a priority despite obstacles.

What’s Considered Too Little Sex in a Relationship?

Therapists concur that consistently having sex less than 10 times per year often indicates greater issues for couples like pain disorders, low testosterone, sexual trauma, attraction concerns, or relationship problems.

While no single number defines a sexless marriage, couples who engage in intimacy fewer than 10 times annually report greater relationship dissatisfaction. If either partner feels distressed about sexual frequency, it's important to communicate concerns, needs, and potential solutions.

Infrequent intimacy bears the risk of partners growing distant, lonely, insecure, or tempted to stray into infidelity. Clinical treatment provides tools to address medical hurdles, intimacy anxiety, past abuse, or relationship conflicts contributing to sexual droughts.

Is Too Much Sex Unhealthy?

You might wonder if it's possible to overdo sexual frequency.Hypersexuality describes extremely frequent sexual urges, fantasies, and activities that interfere with daily functioning. Hypersexuality gets classified as a disorder if it causes distress or harm to the individual or partners.

While no set number defines hypersexuality given natural libido variability between people, having sex multiple times a day, every day, involving risky behaviors may qualify. Hypersexuality links to brain chemical imbalances, impulsivity disorders, childhood trauma, or addiction-like patterns.

However, frequent sex alone does not equate to hypersexuality if both partners enthusiastically consent. Couples with closely matched voracious sexual appetites can enjoy intimacy many times daily without dysfunction or work disruptions.

Determining the Optimal Sexual Frequency for Your Relationship

Now that we've explored the myriad factors influencing couples' ideal sexual frequency, how do you land on the magic number? Here are some tips for determining what works best for you and your partner:

  • Track it - For 2-3 months, record your sexual encounters on a calendar. This helps identify your baseline desire and patterns. Discuss your insights with your partner.
  • Check in on satisfaction - Have frank conversations about your levels of sexual and emotional fulfillment with the current frequency. Do you both climax? Do you feel connected? Or are one or both of you left frustrated?
  • Understand mismatches - It's common for partners to differ in ideal frequency. Compromise by scheduling intimate times that satisfy both, varying techniques to prevent boredom, and incorporating non-penetrative intimacy like massage on lower desire days.
  • Prioritize intimacy - Don't let busyness constantly crowd out your sex life. Set reminders if needed to flirt, kiss, cuddle, and enjoy sexual bonding regularly even on hectic days.
  • Watch for changes - Communicate openly if you or your partner experience shifts in health, all relationships ebb and flow sexually over time. Troubleshoot solutions together before resentment builds.
  • Value quality over quantity - Some couples thrive on quickies multiple times per week. For others, weekly tantric lovemaking sessions foster deeper sensual and emotional connections. Do what nurtures your unique partnership.

How Often Should Couples Have Sex to Be Happy?

Research on sexual frequency and relationship satisfaction reveals that more sex does not automatically equal greater happiness. Instead, compatibility and low pressure matter most.

One study found that married couples who enjoy sexual intimacy once per week demonstrate highest relationship and sexual satisfaction scores. More frequent sex did not boost happiness substantially more. Couples thriving with 3-4 encounters monthly ranked higher than pairs feeling forced into weekly sex.

The key insight is that mutual sexual fulfillment stems from low-stress flexibility tailored to both individuals' needs. Partners who value intimate bonding beyond intercourse also report greater satisfaction.

Signs It's Time to Address Mismatched Sex Drives

No couple will perfectly sync their ideal sexual pace 100% of the time thanks to natural fluctuations in moods, health, and changing seasons of life together. However, significant mismatches in libido and preferred frequency can strain emotional and physical bonds if left unaddressed.

Signs to speak up about sexual issues include:

  • Chronic relationship tension, arguments, or loneliness
  • Temptation to seek sexual fulfillment outside the relationship
  • Avoiding intimacy for weeks or months
  • One partner feeling pressured, inadequate, or guilty about sex
  • Ongoing sexual disappointment or frustration
  • Partner rarely initiates intimacy due to lost attraction or psychological barriers
  • Physical pain or discomfort during sex

Seeking professional couples counseling provides a safe environment to share yourselves fully. Therapists help identify root issues dampening intimacy and equip you with communication and compromise tools to navigate differences.

Tips for Reigniting Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship

If you've noticed your once active sex life slowing to a standstill, small daily efforts can get your intimacy groove back on track.

  • Flirt and kiss more often, not just as a prelude to intercourse. Build subtle tension and anticipation.
  • Experiment with sexual variety like toys, role play, new positions, quickies, or tantric. This prevents boredom from dulling desire.
  • Confide sexual fantasies and explore mutual adventures to fulfill them.
  • Create ambiance with sensual playlists, candles, scent, lingerie, or location changes.
  • Trade massages to relax muscles, boost oxytocin, and prime your sensual mood.
  • Reduce outside stressors and distractions to be more present in intimate moments.
  • Boost your confidence and appeal through exercise, date nights, and compliments.

Frequency often naturally increases when partners feel thrilled to connect again on sexual and emotional levels. If relationship issues block this enjoyment, don't ignore problems. Seek help to get your partnership thriving again inside and outside of the bedroom.

Expert Tips for Nurturing a Healthy Sex Life

Along with finding your optimal pace, nurturing a thriving intimate life requires paying attention to your mind, body, and relationship on a daily basis. Here are more tips from sex therapists for prioritizing pleasure:

Focus on full-body pleasure - Intercourse and orgasms are only one facet of satisfying physical intimacy. Take time to indulge in kissing, cuddling, massage, and manual or oral stimulation. This takes pressure off any one sexual act.

Communicate desires compassionately - Share your turn-ons, fantasies, and preferences to please each other. But avoid criticisms or shaming around sexual needs. Compromise if desires don't match.

Set the sensual scene - Surprise your partner by initiating at unexpected times or locations. Or build anticipation through texts, candles, lingerie, music, etc. Thoughtful setups show you prioritize passion.

Strengthen emotional intimacy - Nurture affection, communication, friendship, and admiration in everyday interactions. This fosters greater sexual openness and expression between partners.

Accommodate sexual changes - Be patient and creative in adapting to evolutions in libido, health, or aging that impact one or both of you. Intimacy can take many forms.

Address relationship issues or conflict - Seek counseling to heal rifts, communication problems, anger, or hurts that block intimacy. Start fresh resolving problems.

Don't neglect solo pleasure - Self-pleasure helps you understand your body's responses and enhances partnered intimacy. Masturbation also provides an outlet when desires don't match.

Prioritizing consistent sexual and emotional intimacy, while also respecting each partner's needs and limits, allows couples to weather ups and downs in desire over the long-haul.

The Key to a Fulfilling Sex Life: Communication

While the ideal frequency differs for every couple, one essential for sexual satisfaction remains constant - open communication. Partners who talk honestly about needs, challenges, and preferences build trust and empathy. This helps match libidos and preferences when gaps surface.

Discuss when you feel most amorous and your favorite sexual activities. Share fantasies, new desires you want to explore, boredom with routines, or issues impacting intimacy like pain or medication side effects.

Listen without judgment. Remain flexible accommodating each other's shifting energy and moods. Physical intimacy thrives when partners give voice to wants while also respecting the other's boundaries.


At the end of the day, there's no universal right answer for how often couples should get busy between the sheets. The healthiest sexual frequency for you arises from self-knowledge, partner understanding, open communication, and a commitment to nurturing intimacy. Give yourself permission to enjoy pleasure and play while also honoring changing needs over time. Prioritize connection - both in and out of the bedroom.

Frequently Asked Questions About Sexual Frequency

What is considered a normal amount of sex in marriage?

  • Most experts define a sexless marriage as one where couples have sex fewer than 10 times per year.
  • The average married couple has sex about once per week or 52 times per year. This varies greatly by age.
  • While less frequency than 10 times annually risks emotional intimacy issues, there is no universal "normal." What matters most is mutual satisfaction.

Is having sex everyday too much?

  • There is no definitive too much or too little when partners consent. But frequent concerns involve:
    • Interfering with work or relationships
    • Physical injury or pain
    • Compulsion or addiction
  • Assess any negative impacts. Seek counseling if hypersexuality harms functioning.

How can we get on the same page if our sex drives are mismatched?

  • Honestly communicate your feelings and needs instead of building resentment.
  • Find compromise on frequency that satisfies both partners at least partially.
  • Try scheduling sex to ensure it happens, while also being flexible when one partner needs a break.
  • Don't take a lower libido personally. Stress, medications, depression and health issues can all reduce desire.
  • Introduce variety to prevent boredom for the higher libido partner.
  • Make non-intercourse intimacy like cuddling or massage a priority as well.

Is a lack of sex grounds for divorce?

  • Not having sex in and of itself is not adequate grounds for divorce. Couples should first communicate their needs honestly and seek counseling.
  • However, severe mismatched libidos that leave one partner chronically unfulfilled even after working to compromise may be considered irreconcilable differences.
  • Infidelity due to sexual frustration instead of working on problems can also destroy trust.

How do couples get back a sexual spark if it's been lost?

  • Make weekly date nights away from work and kids a priority. Have fun, relax and reconnect as partners and friends.
  • Initiate physical affection like hugging, kissing, cuddling and massage without pressure for full sex.
  • Discuss any relationship issues or hidden resentments and work through them.
  • Experiment with romantic escapes, new positions, toys, fantasies or role play.
  • See a doctor if pain, erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, or low hormones are at play.
  • Consider couples counseling to rebuild emotional and physical intimacy.

The key is committing to improve sexual and emotional intimacy through better communication, compromise, and willingness to work through issues compassionately.

How can we make sex more enjoyable past the honeymoon phase?

  • Communicate consistently about desires, turn-ons and expanding sexual horizons together.
  • Make foreplay and sensuality before intercourse a priority, not just orgasm.
  • Introduce surprises like new lingerie, locations, toys, or fantasies.
  • Be fully present without distractions. Set the mood with music, lighting, massage.
  • Compliment each other on skills, attractiveness and efforts.
  • Maintain your health and attractiveness through diet, exercise and self-care.
  • Keep a sense of humor and willingness to get creative sexually.

What if my partner wants sex way more frequently than I do?

  • Validate their feelings of rejection while explaining mismatches in desire are normal.
  • Identify any mental blocks or physical issues impacting your libido.
  • Schedule regular intimate times as a compromise to fulfill their needs too.
  • Offer alternatives like oral sex, hand stimulation or cuddling on low energy days.
  • Check hormone levels and relieve any stressors sapping your sexual energy.
  • Consider counseling for childhood trauma, intimacy anxiety, depression or pain.

The key is finding win-win solutions through open communication and mutual understanding.

How do we balance kids, careers, and sex after parenthood?

  • Prioritize couple time in advance, not just when exhausted at bedtime. Get a sitter and go on dates.
  • Initiate mid-day sexual encounters when kids are at school and partners have energy.
  • Rekindle intimacy through cuddling, soft caresses, and full-body massage when too tired for sex.
  • Have quicker sexual sessions by streamlining foreplay or using vibrators when time is limited.
  • Schedule sex like you would a meeting so it doesn't get bumped by other priorities.
  • Most importantly, be patient and communicate through this temporary phase of life.

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